HOW TO LISTEN TO DYLAN - BOTTOM OF THE BARREL

WARNING!!!! Dustin Hoffman did Ishtar. The Beatles did Magical Mystery Tour. Mariah Carey did Glitter…ok, so maybe she isn’t in the same class. But, you get the point. Every genius makes mistakes and puts out crapola every once in a while. Hopefully, it’s just once. Unfortunately for Dylan fans it’s been more than once. But, then again, Dylan’s done over 30 albums so his ratio is going to be higher than most. The problem with Dylan is that when he’s bad…he’s really bad. The next albums are hardly worth listening to at all. You can stop right now and consider yourself a graduate of the "howtolistentodylan.com" listening plan. Go back to Bringing It All Back Home and never return here again! We promise even the most educated and rabid Dylan fan will never scoff at you for not knowing all the tracks on Knocked Out Loaded or Self Portrait. To the Dylan insider these last 4 albums are embarrassing and rarely spoken of in public. So, consider yourself warned. The only good thing about them is that they’re Dylan. And Bobby never was afraid of public opinion -- to that we’ll raise a glass anytime. Ok, we said it once and we’ll say it again…Consider Yourself Warned!!!

Of the crappy Dylan albums this is probably the least crappy. The songs and lyrics are weird (i.e. “Wiggle Wiggle”, “TV Talkin’”). The melodies are barely decipherable and his voice is pretty ugly. What’s puzzling is that this album came out a year after Oh Mercy which is a certifiable masterpiece. So, why this? We’re not sure. It seems like it should be a better album in that it was produced by Don Was and includes guitar playing by Stevie Ray Vaughn and Slash. But, the bottom line is that Under the Red Sky just doesn’t cut it. To be fair there is one decent song on here called "Born In Time" which we heard him do in concert once. The live version is much better than the version you’ll find here. Ok, file this CD with your drink coasters and let’s move on.

• Studs: Born In Time, Under the Red Sky
• Duds: All tracks besides "Born In Time" and "Under the Red Sky"

29. Empire Burlesque (1985)

Let’s face it…the 80’s weren’t that good to a lot of us and Dylan is no exception. This album comes across as if Dylan is trying to fit in with a decade that didn’t really want him. There’s the slick 80’s production complete with synthetic drums. And check out the coat Bobby is wearing on the album cover—Can you say Miami Vice? Dylan don’t do pop music—never has, never will. There are actually a few decent songs on Empire Burlesque especially "Dark Eyes". Well, we take that back. "Dark Eyes" is the only decent song and probably worth the entire purchase price of the album back in the 80’s . However, with the age of digital music comes the ability to buy single tracks. Thus, we recommend you buy "Dark Eyes" on Itunes for .99 and leave it at that. We’re going to!

• Studs: Dark Eyes
• Duds: All tracks besides Dark Eyes

30. Knocked Out Loaded (1986)

The only way to enjoy this album is to get really Loaded and then have a friend Knock you Out with a sledge hammer. Really… it’s that bad. Anyone that tries to tell you anything different is a compulsive liar or is deaf. Knocked Out Loaded is considered by most die-hard Dylan fans to be one of his worst, if not the worst in his discography. We didn’t want to immortalize this album by putting it last in our listening plan for fear that some might view that as a back-handed compliment. The songs and instrumentation are just plain uninspiring. There’s even a self-indulgent stream of consciousness song, “Brownsville Girl”, written with Sam Shepard. Tom Petty also co-wrote “Got My Mind Made Up” but that and fifty cents still won’t buy you a cup of coffee at Starbucks. We got our minds made up too and Knocked Out Loaded is a certifiable stinker...barely worthy of being on the listening plan.

• Studs: Please!!!!!
• Duds: The whole damn record

31. Self Portrait (1970)

“What is this shit?” is a most memorable quote from Rolling Stone magazine’s review of this album when it came out. Yes, this album is pure feces. But not only is it bad, it’s twice as bad because it’s a double album containing mostly covers of folk and pop songs. Oh yes, let us not forget to mention the “lovely” (note our sarcasm) instrumentals that highlight this mess. Some believe that Self Portrait was a bad joke Dylan played to keep people off his back about being the savior for his generation. Let’s hope...no, let’s pray that he knew how bad this album was before he released it. There’s no reason anyone who considers themselves to be a discerning Dylan listener should have this CD anywhere but under a glass of sweating gin and tonic, keeping their table from getting stained. If you made it this far in our listening plan, then you certainly know how to listen to Dylan by now. Thus, you know enough not to listen to this record at all. In fact writing any more about Self Portrait is not worth wasting any more of our time or yours—time that we’ll never have back.

• Studs: N/A
• Duds: N/A
• Poop: the whole album

CONGRATULATIONS...YOU DID IT!!!!

You made it all the way through How to Listen to Dylan . You now have a PhD in Dylanology. If Dylan listening were a church, you’d be wearing the pope’s funny hat right now. You can talk more than knowledgeably about the greatest songwriter on the planet. Go have a drink! Tell your friends about us and send them here if they want to learn how to listen to the man that changed rock music forever. A man that literally changed American culture forever.